I’m writing this because its what I do. I write and it helps me get through whatever it is I’m going through. I don’t want to talk on the phone and I don’t want to see anyone but I want to let my world know whats going on. I think writing this will help me get through it too.
I’m pregnant and went in for an ultrasound yesterday. The Doctor’s questioned my dates up and down thinking maybe if I were off on my dates, things would be ok but because I am positive of my dates, the Dr. said this is not a normal pregnancy. My emotions took hold of me and I left the office in shock and scared of what was to come. Based on what my body is going through right now, what I am feeling and what is already happening, I know I am in the process of miscarrying. I had some hope last night when I did some reading but yet in my heart, I knew something was not right.
I’ve been sick for weeks, my stomach has been upset, crampy, twisting and turning, I’ve been nauseous on and off all day and eating nothing but bread, pasta and crackers. At one point I thought I had the flu but when it passed within a day, I figured it was just pregnancy. Looking back, I bet when I felt flu-like, that’s when the pregnancy ended. This pregnancy, I also became allergic to my pre-natal vitamin (something that hasn’t happened the past 2 pregnancies). I broke out in hives and got a rash all over my body. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I never have felt right. You see, I’m one of those ‘lucky’ girls that got pregnant on the 1st try with both of my kids and pretty much had 2 great pregnancies. Sure, I had a few hiccups here and there but overall, I was healthy, eating right, felt great, worked out my entire pregnancy, etc. This time around was the complete opposite. And now my body is in the process of getting rid of whats in there.
This is a very emotional time for me so I’m checking out for a bit – My emotions are all over the place (sort of like you feel right after you deliver a baby). I’m clinging to God because I know He is way bigger than this. When hardship happens in our life, we can’t put it on Him or question Him and I don’t. He is not the cause of hardship & things like this are never in ‘His will’. Even though He knows what will happen and what the end result will be, He’s never the cause of these times. I also know that we want a healthy baby and its clear that baby is not healthy. I rest in knowing that God will get my body through this. He alone knows my desire for children and we plan to try again one day.
In the mean time, I have to admit; I’m scared. I’m scared of what will happen to my body going through something like this, scared of what it will feel like, scared of what will happen afterwards. I wonder how long it will take before we can try to have a normal, healthy pregnancy again (if ever)… People are quick to brush past a miscarriage and say, “Well, it’ll be ok. You can try again.” They forget all that your body has to go through to have a miscarriage. Believe me, I’ve been guilty of saying things like that too but now I know better. Losing a baby no matter how small or big it is, is never easy, takes a toll on your body and is very emotional. My positive pregnancy test instantly became my 3rd child and now I’m losing that.
Through this all, I rest in knowing that I have a great, big God in my life. I know He’s right here & more now than ever before, I am so thankful for my 2 little blessings, Rocco & Roman. I took for granted how easy it was to conceive them, carry them and deliver them. Oh how sweet they are. They have kissed me a million times over while I’ve been on the couch the past 2 days. They count each kiss and fight over who gets to kiss me next. My husband has been a rock in my life and I love having him to hold through this. Because of what my body is going through right now, we know what precious miracles our children are and look forward to having more one day.
Thank you for your prayers while we grieve the loss of a pregnancy – Please pray that my body will be ok going through this and for my emotions too.