I’m Having a Miscarriage…

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I’m writing this because its what I do.  I write and it helps me get through whatever it is I’m going through.  I don’t want to talk on the phone and I don’t want to see anyone but I want to let my world know whats going on.  I think writing this will help me get through it too.

I’m pregnant and went in for an ultrasound yesterday.  The Doctor’s questioned my dates up and down thinking maybe if I were off on my dates, things would be ok but because I am positive of my dates, the Dr. said this is not a normal pregnancy.  My emotions took hold of me and I left the office in shock and scared of what was to come.  Based on what my body is going through right now, what I am feeling and what is already happening, I know I am in the process of miscarrying.  I had some hope last night when I did some reading but yet in my heart, I knew something was not right.

I’ve been sick for weeks, my stomach has been upset, crampy, twisting and turning, I’ve been nauseous on and off all day and eating nothing but bread, pasta and crackers.  At one point I thought I had the flu but when it passed within a day, I figured it was just pregnancy.  Looking back, I bet when I felt flu-like, that’s when the pregnancy ended.  This pregnancy, I also became allergic to my pre-natal vitamin (something that hasn’t happened the past 2 pregnancies).  I broke out in hives and got a rash all over my body.  I couldn’t put my finger on it but I never have felt right.  You see, I’m one of those ‘lucky’ girls that got pregnant on the 1st try with both of my kids and pretty much had 2 great pregnancies.  Sure, I had a few hiccups here and there but overall, I was healthy, eating right, felt great, worked out my entire pregnancy, etc.  This time around was the complete opposite.  And now my body is in the process of getting rid of whats in there.

This is a very emotional time for me so I’m checking out for a bit – My emotions are all over the place (sort of like you feel right after you deliver a baby).  I’m clinging to God because I know He is way bigger than this.  When hardship happens in our life, we can’t put it on Him or question Him and I don’t.  He is not the cause of hardship & things like this are never in ‘His will’.  Even though He knows what will happen and what the end result will be, He’s never the cause of these times.  I also know that we want a healthy baby and its clear that baby is not healthy.  I rest in knowing that God will get my body through this.  He alone knows my desire for children and we plan to try again one day.

In the mean time, I have to admit; I’m scared.  I’m scared of what will happen to my body going through something like this, scared of what it will feel like, scared of what will happen afterwards.  I wonder how long it will take before we can try to have a normal, healthy pregnancy again (if ever)… People are quick to brush past a miscarriage and say, “Well, it’ll be ok.  You can try again.”  They forget all that your body has to go through to have a miscarriage.  Believe me, I’ve been guilty of saying things like that too but now I know better.  Losing a baby no matter how small or big it is, is never easy, takes a toll on your body and is very emotional.  My positive pregnancy test instantly became my 3rd child and now I’m losing that.

Through this all, I rest in knowing that I have a great, big God in my life.  I know He’s right here & more now than ever before, I am so thankful for my 2 little blessings, Rocco & Roman.  I took for granted how easy it was to conceive them, carry them and deliver them.  Oh how sweet they are.  They have kissed me a million times over while I’ve been on the couch the past 2 days.  They count each kiss and fight over who gets to kiss me next.  My husband has been a rock in my life and I love having him to hold through this.  Because of what my body is going through right now, we know what precious miracles our children are and look forward to having more one day.

Thank you for your prayers while we grieve the loss of a pregnancy – Please pray that my body will be ok going through this and for my emotions too.

xo

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Comments

  1. Sarah says:

    Oh Angeligue, my heart goes out to you. You are in our prayers. I am thankful beyond reason that you are clinging to the Lord. Draw near to Him, He is the comforter.

  2. nicolemariearts says:

    Please know of our prayers. I truly am so very sorry.

  3. Sorry to hear you are going through this, Angelique. I went through it myself, and I remember that little hopeful feeling in the back of my head when I was on my way to the doctor that maybe everything was okay, but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I never realized before I had my own how common miscarriages are — somewhere between 1/10 and 1/4 pregnancies end this way. I say that just so you know that you are not alone and that there is a very, very, very good chance that you are perfectly normal and will go on to have another perfectly normal pregnancy like your first two. I was originally told by the doctor that I had to wait 2 months to try again, but it can be even sooner depending on how your body recovers. Just know that there are no right or wrong ways to feel, so let yourself go through whatever emotions come to the surface, and take as much time as you need to process things. I’ll be thinking of you!

  4. Jae Roney says:

    My heart aches for you and your precious family ! Your faith and love will guide you at this very difficult time.

  5. kim says:

    Praying for you both, may you be caught in His everlasting embrace and know that He is your refuge and your strength. XOXO

  6. Emily irwin says:

    Praying for you my friend……

  7. Christianna says:

    Ang,
    First and foremost I am so sorry. God has a plan and know he will never give you more than you can handle. Four years ago I was pregnant and I was so excited to have my second child I told everyone and it was so exciting! A week after thanksgiving I started to spot and went to the ER and was told that I too was having an abnormal pregnancy (my logical mind thought twins lol). Then they sent me home and scheduled an emergency ultrasound. I was told that I should have been 12 weeks but I was diagnosed with having a blighted ovum (there was pregnancy tissue but an empty sac). I was to shocked to cry. I held my awesome 2 year old and scheduled a d&c. I was scared of a spontaneous miscarriage so opted for the surgical removal. I drove myself to the appointment when through the procedure alone and cried like I never cried before. I even got a speeding ticket going home. I felt so alone, scared and angry. I remember DyAnna asked me why I was so sad. I tried to explain the best way I could to a toddler and she just hugged me said its okay Mommy I love you! 3 weeks after my procedure I got pregnant again and I have a baby it’s a boy! I named my miscarriage Robin Jaime because I didn’t know if it was a boy or girl but I felt it still deserved a name.
    Yes, this is going to hurt for a long time. Yes, it took me months to love the new child I had growing because I didn’t feel like I was done grieving. I think about the child I should of had all the time but, I am thankful for those I do have! Whatever you do do not feel like you are in this alone! If need be take a drive and just scream until you have no voice!! Don’t let your emotions stay inside get those feelings out by any means!! You’re an awesome mom and you will be forever! Just know if you need anything I’m here for you!!

    Ps: If you’re anything like me be prepared cause I had a sudden turn of events! ;0)

  8. jimmie lee says:

    Such a raw and honest post, how brave of you! My heart is breaking for you Angelique (i could not imagine). You are in my thoughts and my prayers. May God carry you and your family through this, may he heal you and make you whole again.
    Much love to you!

  9. Lauren celko says:

    Ang, while I have never experienced the joy of pregnancy as a woman I can imagine what it is like. I grieve for you and your family, and must be honest your story brought me to tears. I pray for a quick recovery, both physically and emotionally. You are a good person, and I know this is said far too often, but horrible things like this happen to good people for a reason; sometimes that reason is not for us to know immediately, but when the time is right it is revealed to us. God bless.

  10. Sam says:

    Angelique, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am thinking about you and if you need anything please do not hesitate to call me.

  11. Cousin Angie says:

    I pray that you get through this time. God is with you!

  12. Autumn says:

    Love you Angelique! I’m here for you day or night if you need anything. My prayers are with you and your family.

  13. Lisa says:

    Angelique, You don’t know me. I went to your father’s salon for about 7 years. I am friends with your mom on facebook. I am sorry to read about what you are going through! My thoughts and prayers are with you. You seem like an amazing and strong woman!! God bless you and your family!
    Blessings,
    Lisa Catlin

  14. Marisa says:

    Angelique, I’m so sorry to hear of what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  15. Amber T says:

    My thoughts, prayers, and mind is with you. I am so sorry to hear this…
    xoxo

  16. jennifer tan says:

    oh sweetie, i’m so sorry to hear this. :( your little bean must have been extra special for God to want them in heaven right away.. I pray that you can have some peace through this, and know that we’re thinking of you and your family. xoxoxoxox
    j

  17. Colleen says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  18. Giulia says:

    I’m so sorry. Here’s a little prayer I say during difficult times:

    God has not promised
    skies always blue,
    flower- strewn pathways
    all our lives through;

    God has not promised
    sun without rain,
    joy without sorrow,
    peace without pain.

    But God has promised
    strength for the day,
    rest for the labor,
    light for the way;
    grace for the trials,
    help from above,
    unfailing sympathy,
    undying love.

  19. Joanna says:

    My heart hurts for ya tonight, Angelique. I too have experienced what you’re going through, and though the many “whys” were never answered, time and God’s never-ending love helped to heal the hurt. So sorry again, and will be praying for you!

  20. Kelly Martin says:

    Ang,
    Oh girlie… I truly know what you are experiencing!! I’m so sorry & my heart goes out to you. My situation was the exact opposite! I had a few too many miscarraiges. All the specialists I saw said I would never carry to term!! Needless to say… God has taken care of me! It was his will, not mine & on his time, not mine. I now have my beautiful & healthy 16mos d baby boy. Durning the course of my ENTIRE pregnancy I was ready for the worst & prayn for the best! Kane was very early & lil but it is only by the grace of God that both of us are here & healthy today!! They almost lost both of us, him more times then me… he is my miracle baby & will be my one & only. I’m praying for you and your boys. God will take care of you. Just remember to be greatful!! Those 2 lil ones are truly perfect & you & Brian are soooooo blessed!! <3 <3

  21. Fran says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Angelique! Praying God will comfort you as only He can during this difficult time! Your post is such a testimony of God’s presence in your life-my prayers and thoughts are with you!

  22. Karyn Kail says:

    So sorry, Angelique. Your friends and family will lift you up in prayer and the Lord will carry you through this. Your husband and your little guys will surely help you heal. Keep lookin’ up!

  23. Lacey says:

    Angelique, I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through a similar miscarriage about six months after my husband and I were married. We were lucky, and when God felt it was right, he blessed us with our children. It will take time, the pain will ease, but that little baby will always have a place in your heart.

  24. Irene says:

    Angelique, I am so sorry for your loss. I know all too well the pain you are feeling. I had an ectopic pregnancy after trying for so many years. Take your time and let yourself grieve. It can be an emotional roller coaster at times. With the help of your amazing family and your Faith, it will be ok.

    God Bless,

  25. How brave of you to write this. So many people will need to hear this and know they aren’t alone. I pray for your strength and your emotional and physical healing.

  26. Jessica Lytle says:

    Angelique,
    My thought and prayers are with you. There is a passage in my Heaven Calling daily devotion book I thought might help a little.

    Give Me Your Worries
    I am strong to toss a mountain like a pebble. I am bigger than the universe. So you can absolutely rest your cares safely upon my shoulders.
    I know the worries that collect in your life like beads on a string. Sometimes you even add worries that aren’t yours to bear. These anxieties sap your energy, beloved. When I gave Noah the task of building the ark, I didn’t want him to worry about how the animals would get on board. His job was to build the ark. My task was get them there.
    Rest assured that I have everything under control in your life too. Just give me your worries, child. In exchange, I’ll give you my peace.

    Read Genesis 7
    Lord, I will not worry today. I know you are in charge.

  27. Katie says:

    I’m sorry for your loss, Angelique. Sending healing prayers your way. It’s also courageous of you to share this, and it will undoubtedly help others who are going through or have gone through a miscarriage not feel so alone.

  28. Jamie sweger says:

    Thnx for writing about your experience it means a lot to us that go through the same thing. I to took being pregnant as just something we as woman do. I never had a problem with 7 pregnancies, I did however loose a daughter at 13 mos. of her life. That was very hard! I went through miscariages w/ friends never realizing the magnitude of grief and pain that goes with it. I’m too stuck in fear of what’s next will I have anymore babies will they make it through I know that the only thing is to trust in God and that’s the only way I find peace. Thanks for making me feel not sO alone in this tragic time. My sister tracie and kristie went to school w/ you and forwarded me your post. Thnx again

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